I find too many excuses for myself. So many excuses that even I cannot bear to say it out loud because i know that it's all my own bloody fault. I shouldn't even be typing this now... it's just another excuse. 

I would try to comfort myself by saying that i went through all my notes for math and chem and i understand them better. But it simply doesn't work that way because EVERYONE reads their notes and understand well. And EVERYONE else has time to practice a thousand times over and i don't... no such thing... Why do i always land myself in such uncomfortable situations knowing full well beforehand this i'll feel this bloody bad after procrastinating. I'll tell myself, "it's a bloody school holiday! we should be enjoying!" and then a darker part of me will scream "there's no such thing as a school holiday for j2s! this is all for your own future"  and then i'll make myself feel even worse by saying how others can enjoy and study at the same time but i can't seem to balance it out well. 

I'm day dreaming too much. thinking of the impossible. Thinking of how life would have been easier going to poly. Once upon a time (what a cliche...) all that mattered was going to the best school, going to the best university, getting the best scores (which i am definitely nowhere near). Now i really don't see the point. Being in poly would have provided so much more fun, and you are learning things that you are gonna use rather than stupid integration and complex no.s that I am never going to see anymore the moment we leave JC. WTS.... Being the best is no longer important. 

I just want a normal life, maybe just a wee bit better off and be happy man...

I'm honestly envious of my brother. though half the time i say that he's wasting his time away with computer games, i am truly envious and jealous. he gets to spend his time on things that he likes and has no worries at all. he's not afraid of pursuing this dream. The other day he was talking about his plans after he passes his N levels. He wants to be a dessert chef. The way he said it, he sounded so hopeful, so excited about what the future holds. He rambles about how he would go to this cooking school, he'd get a part time job to save more money, then he'd go work for some pastry shop after graduation. Thereafter, start his own bakery and when it's stable, he would go overseas to study more about baking and return to expand his business. It sounded so good. So perfect. I really liked it. I really want to be a part of it. But all I could think about was, "are you sure you can get into the school?" "do you know how much money you need to open a store?" "do you know how hard it is to set up your own store?" I've lost faith. 

Looking at my grades now and how i am still procrastinating despite failing half my subjects, i really hate myself. I hate it when others waste my time. But i'm the biggest culprit of them all.

When i tell my parents how i don't have enough time- hate it when i hear the words 'i don't have enough time' leave my mouth. cos i know it's my own bloody fault.- they would say "don't give yourself too much pressure" Then i would regret saying it because I AM THE CULPRIT FOR PRESSURIZING MYSELF BECAUSE OF MY LACK OF RESILIENCE AND PERSEVERANCE!" everyone else can control themselves and study. why can't i. its my own bloody fault... 

i hate this life. and when i say this, i think about how it's because i enjoy too much.. the irony...